Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Making Life Easier with Frontward Labels

We’ll take a break from the stupidity of apostates today to discuss the stupidity of those who aren’t.

This morning, as my beloved Mrs H and I were on the way to her work, the yammer-traps on the local Christian radio station were commenting on how packaged foods would soon have nutrition information on the front of the package, rather than on the back. It’s our usual routine for me to give Mrs H giggles by making comments about such things we hear on the radio; this time I said something to this effect: “Yeah, that’s great, because we all know what a strain it is to turn the package over and look at the back of it!”

Three seconds later we weren’t laughing – because that was the very next thing that came out of one of the yammer-traps’ mouths.

Oh, of course, it wasn’t put quite that way: Rather, it was offered as a positive thing that indeed, we would no longer have to go to the trouble of turning the packages around to read the nutrition information. As if this were a Hard Thing.

Well, yes. How about this then:

We’ll also have supermarkets install mobile shelving that moves up and down so that you don’t even have to bend over (or reach up) if your selected product happens to be a little higher or lower than your arm. In fact, these mobile shelves will be equipped with muscular strain detectors, so that if you are sensed to be a little tired just now, they can move just the right amount to allow you minimal exertion.

Well heck, here’s a better idea: Add robot arms to the shelves so that they can turn the package around for you to read the nutrition data. Or make each package produce a holographic projection of the data on request (complete with dancing clowns and music, so your kids can enjoy it too), exactly at eye level (complete with facial composition detectors so the package knows what level your eyes are at).

By the time you’re done with all this reading, you’ll be pretty beat, so supermarkets should also have floors that move you around (or better yet, seats), as well as machines to carry your groceries, open your car, drive you home, turn on your TV and cook dinner, and even take care of those pressing needs following your use of the restroom.

Yes, it’s a good thing we won’t have to actually pick up and turn a package any more to get the nutrition information. Because as we all know, personal responsibility can be exhausting work.


  1. Have you watched Wall-E JP? That's effectively what happens to the humans, they get the robots to do everything, even their thinking.

  2. Heh, no, I haven't seen it...but for those who read my Hearthstone comics...well, keep the concept in mind!